The Burden of My Dad

Posted on Feb 13, 2012 | 17 comments

I want to share something deeply personal with you, and it is in hopes that my struggle will inspire someone who is dealing with the same. I have recently discovered through the help of a wonderful, concerned friend that I have a problem with idolatry. Simply put, I have placed something (or rather, someone) in a place that should only be occupied by God. That someone is my dad.

I want to be very clear at the outset of this post that I love my dad very much. He passed away over seven years ago, and I cherish his memory and his heritage of faith every day. He was by no means perfect, but he was a great dad to me. He wanted the best for me. So please don’t get the wrong idea about him in what I am about to say.

But for most of my life, and especially since his death, I have had a great longing to please him, and that the desire to please my dad may have gone to unhealthy extremes. It was a startling discovery, but one that I instantly knew to be true despite my desperation to believe otherwise. My dad was a preacher and wanted me to be a preacher, and today I am indeed a preacher. Yet I would be lying if I said that I am preaching only because my dad wanted me to do so. This is a pursuit that I have chosen. My dad would gently remind me from time to time that if I wanted to do anything else with my life, he would be OK with that. I didn’t have to preach for him to be proud of me. His one unimpeachable rule for me was only that I be a faithful child of God. Nothing more.

But since his death, I have felt a burden to achieve, to achieve, and to achieve more and more, as if through achievement I can make my dad even prouder of me than he was when he died. I think that I have conjured up an image in my head of him looking down on me from heaven and being increasingly impressed with what I have accomplished. The joy and the pride that he must feel pushes me to want to accomplish more and more, and this creates a vicious, never-ending cycle that leaves me chronically weary and discontent with life. My discontent rises from the disturbing realization that I haven’t accomplished near as much as I sometimes think I have. In a word, this whole process has been unhealthy.

In many ways, my dad has taken the place of God in my life. When I thought I was seeking God’s approval in my life, I think I may have really been seeking my dad’s. When I have felt ashamed in life, it was more because I had let my dad down, not God. I have been more reluctant to dishonor my dad’s memory than to dishonor God. And that’s not a good thing.

The quest to please any mortal person can be exhausting, even more so when that person is no longer in the land of the living. I have no hope or expectation to ever hear again my dad’s audible voice express approval of me. I will never feel again his arm around my shoulder as he would do when he would tell me he was proud of me. Yet all the same, I feel as if I have tried desperately to hear and feel that. Much of what I have striven for has been to gain his approval, and I can’t because he’s dead, but I try even harder, and round and round we go.

At this point, I’m tired. I’m tired of pleasing my dad. I’m tired of searching in vain for something I will never find. I’m tired of striving to hear what will never be said again, to feel what will never be felt again. I’m tired of being an idolater.

I have decided that, from now on, my greatest pursuit will be to please my heavenly Father. I am comforted that Scripture tells me how to accomplish this. Specifically, I am thankful for the Book of Hebrews that imparts that wisdom.

Hebrews is an intriguing book shrouded in mystery. We really have no good idea who wrote it, though I have my personal suspicions. The book is saturated with Old Testament imagery and allusions. Mysterious characters such as Melchizedek are mentioned in its pages. But the book was written to Jewish Christians who, I believe, were struggling with whom to please in life. I picture Christians torn between their newfound faith in Jesus and their old life in Judaism that was for them a family tradition. When they left “the faith” of Judaism, I’m sure their family wasn’t happy. I’m sure that they felt their family’s disapproval. The Hebrew writer exhorted his audience not to neglect their salvation, not to shrink back from faith and confidence in Christ.

Beginning in Hebrews 11, the author ushers his readers into what has been termed the “Faith Hall of Fame.” But notice that in many of the verses, God’s commendation is mentioned. The author wanted us to see what it was that gained for these people the approval or commendation of God. It was their faith and trust in him! In fact, it is claimed that without faith, it is impossible to please God (Heb. 11:6).

Also throughout Hebrews 11, there is a running theme of “the unseen,” that is the invisible. People of faith search for things that are unseen and trust in those things with all their heart. That is meaningful to me because one of the greatest frustrations in my relationship with God is that I cannot see him or hear him or feel him. I can’t experience God with my five senses the same way that I can another human being. It is only my faith in God that assures me that he is there.

In fact, my entire relationship with God must be based on faith, including my quest to win his approval. You see, the beauty of all this is that Scripture already assures us that we have God’s approval if our faith is truly in him. As Paul claimed in Philippians 3, all of my striving to pad my resume and make God like me more is really in vain. Paul called this pursuit “skubalon,” a slang Greek word for human excrement. Some translations render the word as “rubbish” or “manure.” But that is a mistranslation. One man’s trash is another man’s treasure, and manure is useful for all sorts of things. But human excrement isn’t. It only causes illness and disease. And Paul said that his former life of achieving accolades was “skubalon” compared to the contentment he found in Christ, the peace found in simply living by faith.

A life lived by faith in God vs. a life lived trying desperately to please God may not look all that different to an outsider. The Bible will still be read, worship will still be attended, and good works will still be done. But to the One who can examine the heart, those two lifestyles will be worlds apart. A life lived trying to please God through works will never have peace. I know. I’ve tried. And I’m tired. Serving God in order to win his pleasure is exhausting.

But living life by faith in God brings with it a peace that surpasses all understanding. And that’s what I want. Serving God because I have his pleasure is the most exhilarating feeling I have had in forever.

Are you working and working and working to gain another’s approval? Your parents? Your spouse? Your kids? Your boss? Your friends? Who are you trying to please? Would you listen to some friendly advice?

Just stop it. Before you kill yourself.

Instead, start trusting in God for your needs. Pray that God would fill your heart with his approval. If you’re living by faith in God, he couldn’t be any prouder of you than he already is. Believe that. Put your trust in that. Live as if it is so, because it is. We accept its validity by faith.

Wanna know the irony of all this? Since realizing that I was working a little too hard for my dad’s approval, and since deciding that God’s approval was all I truly needed from now on, I feel like my dad really is proud of me. As I said, all my dad ever really wanted for me was to be a faithful child of God. The rest was in my head. Dad knew that only by faith could we conquer the world (1 John 5:4) and gain an inheritance in the one to come.

Father, thank you for my dad. Thank you for his heritage of faith. Thank you for his example and his influence in my life. May I never take it for granted. But help me make you, not him, the center of my life. May I rest content in your approval of me, one that does not come through human striving and accomplishment, for all that we could achieve before you is but nothing. Instead, may I rest content in my faith in you. Fill my heart and the hearts of others with your approval. Help us to trust you more and more. May others see in us the joy of the Christian life, the peace that comes from fully relying on you in all things. In Jesus’ name.